Gameday Boncho

I think we can all agree that spectator sports and the pursuit of ultimate comfort go hand in hand. We've all heard reports of the decadence that has been acheived. It goes far beyond an excess of finger food, Lay-z-boy recliners, and ridiculously large televisions. On gameday, dedicated sports fans attempt to maximize caloric intake while minimizing metabolic rates by maintaining a sedintary position on oversized sectional couches. I've had friends take measures to the outer-limit, wearing adult diapers on New Year's day in order to watch every minute of every bowl game. It's a bit extreme, but effectively illustrates the length's to witch sports fans will go.

To this end I bring you the "gameday boncho". Never again will you worry about having a blanket on your leather chaise lounge to maximize comfort. Nor will you be left to wonder which piece of team paraphanelia to wear when your favorite team is competing. To experience the comfort and pride of the gameday boncho, simply follow the steps below:

1. Visit your local Target, and select their most comfortable white blanket (look for something with the qualities of a baby blanket). An optimal size would be ten feet in length.
2. Fold the blanket in half, and cut a 9" semi-circle in the middle of the folded edge.
3. On one side of the blanket, draw your jersey number with a black Sharpie.
4. On the other side, sew on various patches that represent your favorite sports teams.
5. Put your head through the hole, ensuring that the number is placed on your back, consume exorbitant amounts of cheese-based snacks without fear of dripping on your clothing, and watch as much football as possible.

I'll be adding a photo of my boncho once construction is complete.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

Esera Tuaolo was the first NFL football player to publicly come out of the closet, but after carefully utilizing my well-calibrated gay-dar, I've decided that he won't be the last. Let me point out that I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals. They're generally more interesting than straight people and as Will & Grace dramatized, they play a vital role in economic re-development. I'm just interested in pointing out some particularly extroverted flamboyant behavior in the most macho of sports. Below is a list of players in the NFL who I've identified as gay, and the evidence I have to support this claim:

• Clinton Portis - To prove I'm not a homophobe, I've started the list with one of my favorite players, and creator of the alter egos Southeast Jerome, Sherrif Gonna Getcha, Dr. "I don't know", and of course, Dollah Bill (see more on his alter egos here). Off the field, he buys wigs, performs in front of cameras, and sometimes wears capes. On the field, he can be found dancing, er prancing, a jig in the endzone, or providing a limp-wristed mock resuscitation of a football.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


• Terrell Owens - No stranger to a jig, or even a litle Riverdance, in the endzone, Owens is known for his controversial extroversion, and inability to get along with coaches and teammates. When suspended, he can be found performing shirtless benchpresses on his makeshift driveway workout facility for journalists. On gameday, you can find him clad in purple spandex and headphones as he warms up on the field. I think this also explains his attempted suicide.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


• Jeff Garcia - Well, Terrell Owens outing him, and his subsequent dating of a playmate make this an open and shut case.






• Michael Strahan - The gap-toothed wonder of NYC is another clear example. Anyone who's seen his ill-conceived "jumpshot" celebration can attest to that. Incidentally, I found this snippet from a New York Daily News article while searching for a photo of said celebration:
  Strahan's Divorce Trial Get's Real Ugly
• 
  

...more to come...


Technorati Tags: Gay Athletes, Clinton Portis, Terrell Owens, Jeff Garcia, NFL

The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report started off slowly, but the answer to The Daily Show has really found it's stride. Steven Colbert, host of the Comedy Central show, has proven to be the perfect antidote to the hilarious Daily Show program. I think the genius in its creation is that The Colbert Report is that perfect salty snack after you've had your sugar. The Daily show is great, and I really enjoy it, but after a while I get bored with the straight, humorous analysis of current affairs. The Colbert Report provides twice the sarcasm, to provide a 180 degree facade on the same message. Even the Fox-like graphics, supplying the subtext, demonstrate that there's an abundance of humor in critiquing the current state of journalism. Watch a little bit of the Colbert Report and I'm ready for more sugar.

Technorati Tags: Steven Colbert, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show

YouTube Digest

I've sung the praises of YouTube in this space before, but I think I've become addicted. As a result, I've decided to start a new series, akin to the "What I'm Listening to Today" column, where I plan to provide random highlights of my YouTube explorations. Some entries will be familiar, perhaps clips from recognizable television shows. Others will contain random content, only found on the world wide web.

David Letterman
Here are a couple really funny segments from David Letterman I found through a good site called Dead-Frog.com. The first is an interview with Steven Colbert, of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central.



The second is a full on verbal brawl between Letterman and Bill O'Reilly earlier this year.


Technorati Tags: Bill O'Reilly, Steven Colbert, David Letterman

Diet Coke & Mentos

I realize I'm awfully late to this party, and by this point, it's probably gotten rather tiresome. We've all seen the guys who put together an epic display of chemistry by choreographing the explosive result of mixing Mentos (the freshmaker) with Diet Coke, but have you thought of the consequences for mankind? Is the FDA involved in this one? Should there be warnings prominently placed on the packaging? It's not as if a person wanting to have some Mentos followed by a little Diet Coke is beyond the realm of the possible. I'm sure at least a few times by pure accident some poor soul must have thought that they were experiencing the movie Alien and rushed to the hospital after having a little candy and soda. Take a look at these movies and think of what it would be like if this randomly happened to you, and wasn't the result of a gag...no pun intended.

Movie 1

Movie 2

Technorati Tags: Diet Coke & Mentos, Food Explosion

The Restaurant Culture

Sometimes I think I'm the only person on the planet who hasn't done a stint as a waiter or waitress. Many people, especially those who have taken dinner orders for a living, would say I'm lucky, but I have to admit that sometimes I think I missed out on something.

The fact is, I avoided the profession during high school and college because I knew I'd be a terrible waiter. My memory is okay, but my memory for details is remarkably absent. I like people, but have little patience for those of the rude variety. And while I'm a hard worker, I get grumpy when I'm tired. So, I'd be likely to remember your burger, but forget the bacon you ordered. I'd probably have a great conversation with you before I forget your bacon, but would give as much as I got when you rudely said, "Well, where is my bacon?". And this situation would probably turn out okay if it occurred in the morning, but be a complete blowout if in the evening.

But by avoiding this profession, I've avoided that odd world that is the restaurant industry, with all of its hardships and happiness. I never had the embarrassment of dropping a tray full of entrees on the floor, but I never experienced the camaraderie of a bunch of people my age working their asses off all night. I never had to stay late to clean up the mess of a drunken Friday night, but I never took that drunken mess home with me for all-night no strings attached debauchery.

There's a whole culture to this industry, possibly best described by the "work hard, play hard" mantra. The stories I've heard about this culture are colorful, and generally involve lots of drug-use, poor behavior for lack of a meaningful consequences, and of course, sex amongst co-workers. The synergy of these high-risk behaviors is explosive, resulting in either wildly enjoyable, or wildly painful outcomes. It's a high-stakes game of finding the edge, over which drama and possible jail-time reside, but those who've lived to tell about it have better stories than I can make up. For a person so fixated on the deliciously intricate details of life, missing out on great stories is like missing out on living.

Perhaps someone who's lived a remarkable life in this culture will be good enough to write a can't-miss screenplay so that I can live vicariously through their experience, because that window in my life is closed. I will never be in a situation where it's okay to make five dollars an hour plus tips, to work a non-standard work week, or to snort coke off of a fake-breasted woman's ass on the bar of a closed restaurant. So, write the damn screenplay you worthless slackers, so I can live that life for two hours.

Technorati Tags: Waiter, Restaurant, Illicit Sex, Bohemian